Continue, Change or Let it go…

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I often hear my daughter sing – Let it go (the Frozen song) and I enjoy it as a beautiful song in young voice. And she truly enjoys singing it.
Recently I saw an update from a dear friend and a professional who has my truest respect – Pradeepa Narayanaswamy. Her update had her site that mentioned her aspirations and achievements so far, as a life coach. That got me interested, because the Pradeepa I knew, was more of a technology person, teaching teams to work together and getting truly agile. On going through her work, I landed on her blog post Let it go, Let it go…
That article talks about letting go of those relationships that end for reasons you may not fully accept or understand. And it got me thinking about work and personal relationships all around us. Yes, when the relationships end – you have less choice but to accept it. And even though it may be a bitter end or unexplained, its in your interest to let it go. It made me think of relationships that have not ended but have lost its original sheen and meaning. Relationships that give you more pain than pleasure.
What do we do when it is simply not working out between the 2 and its becoming a daily nightmare to carry on with it? And neither of the party is giving up either. What does it truly mean? And think about it in terms of not only husband-wife, girl friend – boyfriend, or with ones in-laws but also between and with co-founders, investors, advisors, team, managers – why is the relationship so difficult?

More often than not, when money or kids are involved- it could offer a very straight forward insight into why the painful relationship still exists. However, let’s also get this understanding – that in such cases, though the official name of the relationship still remains what it used to be- the relationship has now evolved into meaningless forced bond.

At first, a relationship is conceived because 2 individuals or entities found something in each other  they needed. It continues to be pleasurable if they are happily deriving what they need and are happy to give what the other needs. Its universal truth hidden from none that you can’t have everything in the world and that forces one to have their priorities clear. Because very often one has to trade off 1 benefit for another. Now if both the parties have the same priorities for the benefits and willing to do the required trade offs – the relationship continues to work. Occasional hiccups are a sign of a healthy relationship – exceptions prove the theory.

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But when the priorities of the 2 parties are not clearly defined or do not sync , then how difficult the relationship will be shall depend upon how far are the trade offs and core objectives of either one, from each other.
If you find yourself constantly misunderstood, having trust issues, backstabs and constant complaints of not doing enough in the relationship, then you probably are going through this. Specially more, if you feel helpless in getting your point across and for others to not see your point of view. And, if you do find yourself stuck in such a situation – what are your ways out?
1. Continue – until you physically give up and your body shows signs of ageing and being sick . And one day either of you will be dead. And so will the fight. But it won’t keep you from feeling incomplete and having tons of ugly memories to live with. And substantial loss of reputation (for all the things you do to show the world a perfect picture). In a way, this is easiest to do and pretend like all is well, when everything inside you is breaking and crying for help – because it keeps you in your comfort zone wrt the outer world. This is very draining emotionally, everyday. Keeps you from achieving your true potential in life.
2. Try something new. Change your stand, if you can. If you are going to apply the same solution to the problem over and over , and it didn’t work for so many times why do you think it would work now? Can you try changing your stance and giving in and if the relationship is truly worth, can you realign your priorities to the other party and see if that brings you closer to the larger goals. It may not be a perfect win-win situation but it will save your relationship and maybe, just maybe – you realize that for the longest time you were holding on to something non-critical, just for the heck of it. Weigh in your trade offs and priorities.
3. Let it go – Now, this is the toughest part. Not only because the world sees it and that makes you uncomfortable with “what the world would think of this”. But also if we are insecure and having difficulty imagining the other individual or entity in another relationship or yourself living by just your own self (technically single). If having the possession of the relationship is more important to you than the relationship itself – you could very well be trapped here. But when you are in a situation where you can’t continue anymore or have tried everything you can to realign in order to keep it, then it’s officially the time to “let it go”. Keep in mind that the same body (as sick it may be) feels heavier post death. And the longer you carry a weight , the heavier it begins to feel.

Choose the way forward carefully – pause, get your head and heart sorted and then charge ahead – remember – being happy and healthy is most important!! Focus on leading a meaningful life that matters.
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One thought on “Continue, Change or Let it go…

  1. Smita, you have written many great articles and blogs over the years, but this one is among the best. It was consoling, supporting, and a story for the whole world.

    I like the way you state that its not just about a relationship with a spouse or a bf/gf, but it could relate to all relationships in your life. Everyone on the planet can relate to this. Sometimes the best way to kill the demons in your head is to share that demon with the world.

    You may not realize this, but you have the ability to share your personal experiences with so many, and to change the world with it. I am sure you will have many share their take on this, and i’m expecting that many will tell you that they were able to take a step back from day-to-day, evaluate what is important to them, and then re-examine their priorities in life. Well done!

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